What Jessica Wants: Dispatches from an Intergalactic Space Mission

I’m currently in the process of reading and recapping the second haldf of the SVH series for an upcoming book. To prove that I really am writing it, here’s an except, a recap of #138, What Jessica wants, the miniseries in which we meet brooding, whiny orphan Devon Whitelaw.

From the captain’s log of the vessel Teenageriac, sent to earth to find the perfect human specimen:

DAY 1
Target acquired. Landed pod where it was the most green and most beautiful. Earth GPS identifies as Sweet Valley. Mission: to find most genetically advantageous humanoid to extract DNA to build master intergalactic race. Must not fail. Intergalactic UN is counting on me.

Must assume identity. From my short observations, this settlement is run by teenagers. Will assume role of male teenager. Must do research. Watched Rebel Without a Cause, A Beautiful Mind, and Teen Wolf. Have created perfect hybrid. Name is Devon Whitelaw. Devon was the name of the computer on my first space mission, and Whitelaw because it seems that Whites make the laws in Sweet Valley.

DAY 2
Arrived at school. Said they needed something called “:school records” and “parent permission.” Was not prepared for this. Found nice old lady and mind controlled the crap out of her to make her think she was my former Nanny. Telling everyone my parents died seems easier. Dammit, my assistant forgot to brief me before I left.

My dear soldiers, I never expected such success in my first hour! Upon arrival to high school in the mechanical, two wheeled ground tank, I spotted someone with perfect genetic potential. Perfect size six (up to the specifications determined by the overlords), blond and blue-eyed combination, and a svelte body. An initial scan of the subject tells me that she is superhuman, and does not ever need to use the bathroom. I must have implemented the scan too long because she stared back and started to release the hormonal scent of a request to mate. Departed area quickly.

Later, I entered a “chemistry” class and the Human Specimen 10.0 was to be my assistant to creating new human life and atomic bombs. Slight drawback, turns out this “class” is only for mixing lesser chemicals. I had to hide the synthetic embryonic sack containing the fetal centaur I just created. Instead, I created a chemical the same color as her eyes and the ocean and her mating hormone began to release. I toned it back, Commandor would not be happy if I started this master race without permission.

Also encountered the most odd specimen, he seemed to be a genetic misfire. Appendages hung about his body as if too long, no coordination, and an undying need to create corny comedic encounters. Identifies as the species Winston Eggbert. May find him useful later.

And finally, news to make the Commandor proud: this genetic perfection I encountered has already started to multiply! There are two of them! Their genetics are so virile! I must encapture one and bring her back. But oh, which one?

DAY 3
Fellow intergalactic travelers, I have decided on which Wakefield clone will be the savior of our plan for the master species. She calls herself Elizabeth. Even though she has a mate, my scan of her brain tells me that she is ready and willing to betray this mate at any cost. The second clone, Jessica, seems to have no brain activity in her frontal lobe, thus making her capture easy but not as satisfying. I mean, I am twenty hundred light years from my home, don’t you think I should have some fun?

DAY 4
Entrapment of Specimen Elizabeth almost foiled and mission aborted! Met who I thought was Elizabeth at a nice restaurant (these earthlings are so obsessed with food and escorting others to the consuming of food) but it as psycho clone, and the moon was obviously in the second cycle because she was down to mate (DTM in scientific terms). Apparently these troublesome clones are the most important residents of the city. Note to self: figure out why this city is so fucking weird.

DAY 5
I am proud to say that the mission looks like it will be a success. The key to winning over Specimen Elizabeth was to tell her said madeup background and create some fireworks. We sealed the contract with our mouths under the bleachers. Next step is asking her to donate her organs and brain for the cause of propagating our alien race. Signing off for now. Over.

My book will hopefully be out in early 2013. In the meantime, follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and subscribe to my podcast.